As the key turns

Jum'a

2009-07-09T02:16:00.002-04:00

JUM'A Day 1057

Asalam alaikum wa rahmatullah…

In the Name of Allâh, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful

“hey C O, you ever seen anyone have an anxiety attack?”, “yea…why, you stressed?”, “well, its beyond stress, but yea…I feel like one might be coming up right about now.” “no, you don’t like your having one…guys usually go all hyperventilate, sweat heavy, and kinda freak out.” … “well, I’m O for 3 on those…so I guess I’m not having an anxiety attack…but yea, just…feel really uneasy…cant do anything all day, cant concentrate on anything…donno what to tell ya…but yea…ah well.” (step away from the door, C O goes back to his desk).

So I guess I’m not having an anxiety attack, though I thought I was. Its been building up gradually for a while I guess. We’ve been going to court for the past few weeks for some motions. We just finished the ‘religious and ideological’ motion. They basically want to use books/media supposedly seized from our residents against us in trial. We were arguing that selecting parts and cutting and pasting portions of materials is prejudicial and biased, therefore inadmissible. I don’t care much for all of this, my trust is in ALLAH for relief not in any person nor system, as at the end of the day, it is only by the will of ALLAH that all these lawyers and judges and all of us are even breathing. That being said, sitting there for 6hrs a day listening to arguments I can tell you, our lawyers killed it, as far as arguments go. If this was based on fair process, due rights, and justice, the ruling that should be made is apparent, although, like every other motion, I’m sure this will be denied as well. Anyways, I hate going to court, waking up at 5:30, coming back at 8, the whole process of going here to get changed into court clothes, the transport van, sitting in that room from 7:30 – 10, waiting for court to start, sitting in court, looking at this puppet show all around you as if there’s some sort of justice to be expected from all this…then again the transport van, hour and a half ride…changing again into jail clothes, the waits at each section, and then finally back to the cell 14hrs after leaving it. Doing that every day… it takes a real toll on a person. It wasn’t so bad before, but on Monday, things got really bad.

When we got back from court, we heard the guy who was here in cell 4 got his habeas corpus approved and after spending about 4 months in isolation, he’s back on a range. Good for him. not so good for us. He was a cool guy, respectable, knew the jail politics well and didn’t try messing around. His replacement is a psycho. This nut case is infamous here apparently. He doesn’t sleep a wink! He’s up all night yelling and screaming and singing. He doesn’t sleep nor let anyone else sleep. This waste of nufah asks the C Os for bread at 3 at night, every night, and lined paper at 4. Every round “C O, Can I get some bread please! I want bread…PLEASE! C O, BREAD! HEY C O, CAN I GET BREAD….BREAD AND LINED PAPER! PLEASE!!” and so on…on and on it goes…never stopping! I actually woke up last night just to curse him! so for the past 4 nights, none of us have slept. Going to court in the morning, the exhaustion just multiplies.

In the outside, Jumas uses to be the best of days for me. Go to the Masjid, stay there all the way till 12 or 1 o’clock at night, chilling with brothers. We used to hit the shwarma joints every time…used to be a lot of fun. Now…Jumas are the hardest of days. You wake up no different than any other day. You try and get a shower, just to accomplish the ‘ghusl’ obligation of the day. Itar and Siwak are out of the question, so are new clothes…so basically, the only difference is reading surah kahf and making Dhikr a bit more. I hate jumas in jail. They are still the most depressing of days. Its supposed to be Eid for us, yet it definitely doesn’t feel like Eid. I miss the khutbahs, the huge gathering of Muslims, the whole environment of juma. From all that to complete isolation… it seems like it was so long ago, that I would put on my white shalwar kameez, wear my white imaama, put on my favourite itar (Egyptian musk, or white musk), grab my siwak and head to the Masjid. Wow…it seems like it was all a dream.

They are saying the nut case got bail today. Al-hamdulillah! ALLAH azza wa jall relieved us of his presence! This is kinda funny… one guy, who spends less than 4 months in isolation in the same conditions as us, gets out, due to stressful conditions and how its against human rights etc… yet we’ve been here for the past 3yrs, and no one cares. Human rights dont apply to us? Our situation is less stressful? Just because we don’t yell and scream all day, and cope with our situation with patience doesn’t mean the hardship is not there. Just because we can still put a smile on our faces when we go to court, hear all the nonsense and still smile…doesn’t mean the hardships aren’t there… how can you say human rights exists for one person and yet not for another who is also standing right there the entire time. Are we less human? How can you expect me to think anything else except that you are only holding me in these unlawful conditions for no other reason than the fact that I am a Muslim. A Muslim who believes in ALLAH, the creator of the heavens and the earth, besides whom none is worthy of worship! A Muslim who takes HIM as his Lord, HIS messenger (s.a.a.w) as his guide, and HIS book as his life. Do you really fear that so much?

“they try to extinguish ALLAH’s light with their mouths, but ALLAH perfects HIS light, though the disbelievers hate it”. (Saff:32)

So one guy gets out of isolation, and a psycho who is a repeat offender gets bail. In the mean time, guys with no previous criminal history, who are university students and ‘model citizens’ are denied bail for the most ridiculous reasons. I wish there was no pub ban so I could post some of them here.

Its been a stressful stretch lately…one thing after another…things just not going well. Insha’ALLAH this is a change towards good and things will get better… a believer is in between distress and ease at all times anyways. Sometimes, a lot of thoughts come into your mind, and as things pile on, the frustrations also multiply, and the stress adds up, and before you know it…you think your having an anxiety attack…

Nothing like two rak’as to give you sukoon! A really prolonged Sajdah, where you spill all the beans to The Most-Near! Aaah! Relief! J

July 8 09

2009-07-08T11:13:00.003-04:00

For my daughter, Sumayyah

2009-04-14T23:35:00.000-04:00

The Daily Grind

2009-04-03T17:57:00.001-04:00

Asalam alaikum wa rahmatulllah…
In the Name of Allâh, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful
Everyone I speak to for the first time from here always has the same question: what do you do all day? So I figure I’ll answer it, and perhaps it might be of benefit to someone, insha’Allah. I’ll keep the routine general, what everyone does, rather than my self specifically.

Prison life is all about routines. Its all about consistency in day to day actions, and sticking with it. Its very easy to get bored, to lose motivation, to slacken and to just give up. That’s what prison is, its designed to do that, its designed to break you. Countless people do break. They just go nuts. I’ve been in ‘segregation’ (isolation) for the entire time, so it’s a little different what I do in comparison to guys in general population ranges. For them, its all about working out, phone time, tv, socializing, more work outs, more tv, and then sleep. People come on the ranges, new personalities, different personalities, some get along, some don’t. there’s a guy, or sometimes, a group of guys that run the range, they basically dictate what goes on and how things are done. If someone messes up, the C Os hold them responsible, if things are going good, they get some extra privileges or goodies…and that’s how you get through your time on a range.

Here in the hole, things are a bit different. Wake up time is 9 (as with the entire jail), but our day starts much before that. Fajr is around 6 right now, so we wake up around then, or earlier, whoever wants to pray tahajjud. Stay up till around 7:30, usually just memorizing and reviewing, Dhikr, praying shuruq, etc. I can hear the humming of Qur’an at that time, so I know my neighbours are doing the same. It kinda encourages you to also do ibaada.

Around 7:30 is yard time. Too early for sunlight, we’ve complained numerous times, but, the procedures are that seg units go first, and we start it off. Yard is this big concrete place, the size of a basketball court, with walls that are 5 floor high. There’s a pull up bar, basketball nets but no basketball. Its very important to exercise in here, so you have to take full advantage of yard time. Its around 20mins, so you have to run your laps, do pull ups, stretches, etc. We’re in the middle of downtown so getting ‘fresh air’ wouldn’t really apply. Also, yard isn’t an everyday thing, though it should be. We probably get it 4 times a week at max.

After yard, guys usually start their work out sets. Personally, depending on how much time is left till breakfast, I like to knock out. Daylights (fluorescent light right above the bed), come on at 9, hatches open, breakfast follows. After breakfast is showers, if it’s a shower day, mostly its cool C Os, so we get them anyways. The shower is right at the end of the range, that’s when we do our cell clean-ups, etc. There’s 5 cells here, me, Ali, Zakaria, the remaining cells are for people just passing through on misconducts. Usually by lunch time (12:30) showers are all done. So as your waiting to go and if you’re already finished, your probably just working out, or reading, etc…

Starting 11, guys get on the phone, we’ve divided the time slots and everyone uses it for that time. Personally I use it last around 5:30, 6 o clock. Throughout the day, if your not on the phone, your either working out, if it’s a work out day, or your reading, or praying. I know of some brothers that would pray the entire day! In the times they couldn’t (after asr) they would be reciting Qur’an.

Supper comes around 4 o’clock. Way too early, so mostly we just wrap it up under the blanket to keep it warm for later. The bread we put in chips bags to keep them from going hard. Anything else, we just wrap it with toilet paper. I found out the hard way that supper is dinner, and there’s no more meals after 4 o’clock. At home, I always used to eat very late at night, around 11, so the jail routine was very tough to get used to, and I’m still not used to it. I never eat my meal until 9 or 10 at night.

8 o’clock the night-lights come on (a bulb, also on top of the bed), things quiet down. The ranges lock up, the TVs go blasting, and most often than not, someone’s singing. TVs go mute while the singing sessions are going on. The general pop range is right next to ours, so when they are singing etc, we can hear them. Those guys are pretty good. Its frustrating if they are watching a sports game though. If someone does a nice move everyone is banging and screaming, if it’s a close game everyone is all hyped up and yelling. I remember the super-bowl last year with the Giants and the patriots, everyone thought the patriots are going to make history, the only team to go undefeated the entire season. Instead, the under-dog Giants come in and win it. I didn’t know who had won that night, except that IT WAS LOUD! Every range in jail was banging endlessly for so long. When your lying down on your bed, lost in your thoughts, and all of a sudden everyone is yelling and screaming, it can get really annoying real fast!

For us, after Isha, the day’s done. Depending on how they’re feeling, some guys either knock out, or read, or like myself, most often, stare at the roof for long hours, lost in thoughts and memories. If it’s a cool C O, he/she would usually call me up to my window, ask how the day was, talk for a bit. Sometimes we get into long discussions on a variety of topics, politics, religion, sports, food…etc… things are mellowed down for C Os as well at night time, they come around every 20mins, everything’s locked up, so really, other than doing their rounds, they don’t have anything else to do except sit at their desk and read.

That’s the daily grind. The only exception is if it’s a lock-down, then we don’t get yard, showers, phones, or anything else. You just sit in your cell for 3, 4 days with nothing to do. Those are the hardest and longest days. All motivation is gone, and guys are mostly depressed. Its pretty frustrating also because in seg, we’re on ‘lock-down’ at all times anyways. So when the jail goes on official lock-down, the few privileges we do get (showers, phones), we end up losing them as well. At least on the ranges they have the TVs playing all day, and once again, it doesn’t help to hear the noise, the banging and screaming while your sitting there staring at your favorite spot on the roof.

Something to always keep in mind is never stopping the routines. Some nawafil prayers that you do at the certain time of the day, you always have to keep doing them. At the exact same time, every day. The dhikrs, same thing. Memorizing Qur’an, same thing, memorize a specified portion every day, review a certain portion every day. Fill your entire day with specified things to do at the specified times, leaving no time to think or get bored. It might sound weird, but before you know it, you get so caught up in your routines; you’re too busy for anything else. It gets you past your days, you feel like you accomplished something, and you don’t feel as bad for being in here. The fact is, you will never get time to read, pray, make Dhikr, memorize, or contemplate like you will in jail. For some people, its hard to fast outside, but in jail I don’t think anyone can have any excuse. The food isn’t exactly fitnah… even on its best days it doesn’t measure to home…

As they say in Shawshank, ‘get busy living or get busy dying’. Gotta make the most of it and make sure you leave this place with something on your scales…

سَابِقُواْ إِلَى مَغْفِرَةٍ مِّن رَّبِّكُمْ وَجَنَّةٍ عَرْضُهَا كَعَرْضِ السَّمَآءِ وَالاٌّرْضِ

“Race with one another in hastening towards forgiveness from your Lord, and Paradise the width whereof is as the width of the heaven and the Earth.” (57:21)

HE, Who Causes The Seed And Fruit To Sprout

2009-04-03T17:56:00.001-04:00

Day 1028

Asalam alaikum wa rahmatullah…
In the Name of Allâh, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful

I’ve been thinking about this verse for a while, and the more I think about it, the more amazed I get at the greatness of ALLAH azza wa jall. We’ve all read this many times in the past, and come across it in tafsirs, but, we don’t really sit and ponder about it often enough. ALLAH azza wa jall says HE is: فَالِقُ الْحَبِّ وَالنَّوَى “HE, who causes the seed grain and fruit stone to split and sprout”. (Surah An’am)

Look at the quality HE describes for Himself, the one who causes the seed to sprout. Imagine someone engineers a way to grow a rose plant, so he makes the seed, makes some machines to get the plant rise out of the ground, for it to grow leaves, for it to even grow the rose-bud. If he cant get that rose-bud to sprout and actually become a rose, the entire experiment and all that time and effort have been for nothing. ALLAH azza wa jall, the best of creators, the one who shapes and the one who gives form, only HE can have the quality and attribute to not only start something from nothing but to complete it in the most perfect manner. Who would have thought that a tiny little seed would lead to a tree, that would lead to the branch, that would hold the fruit, that would in turn hold another seed, exactly like the one that started the whole process!

To realize the importance of this quality of ALLAH azza wa jall, to cause the final stage of growth and perfect it, imagine a mango that stopped growing once it starts to take shape in the branch. Every mango would be small, hard, green, and bitter. No one would eat it. Every ‘red-delicious’ apple would now be known as ‘green-bitter’. No fruit would be edible, no grain of any use, since without the last stage they would be non-existent. If you think world hunger is high now, imagine a world without bread.

Were it not for the perfection in the final stages of creation, imagine a baby that only developed until the last stage, and we know that the last stage of development in the womb is of the most essential, where if even one thing goes wrong, the defects will be life-long. Now imagine if the baby didn’t develop beyond the second-last stage. No baby would be born, all life-forms would be wiped out. Imagine if HE developed us perfectly with everything, and created our hands and even fingers, but didn’t finish it off with our fingernails. Grasping anything would be an impossible task.

In conclusion, only the most perfect creator can start something and end it with perfection, every step of the way. The fact that HE stresses on the final stage of HIS creation is proof of HIS power, majesty, and flawlessness. سَنُرِيهِمْ ءَايَـتِنَا فِى الاٌّفَاقِ وَفِى أَنفُسِهِمْ حَتَّى يَتَبَيَّنَ لَهُمْ أَنَّهُ الْحَقُّ
“We will show them Our signs in the universe, and in themselves, until it becomes manifest to them that this is the truth” (Fussilat: 53)

These are the signs of ALLAH azza wa jall, HIS greatness, His power, His might! All this, so we may remember, and contemplate, and be thankful…unfortunately… “But most men are unthankful”.

May ALLAH make us of those who remember Him often in gratitude, in repentance, and in praise, whose hearts are alive with His remembrance, whose limbs are busy in His worship, and whose path is filled with His guiding light. Ameen.

LOCK-DOWN (Again)

2009-04-03T17:54:00.000-04:00

Day 1027

Asalam alaikum wa rahmatullah…
In the Name of Allâh, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful

We went on lock-down mode again today…nothing would complete a 3 week break like another lock-down. Same usual routine follows; stay in your cell, phones, yards, showers, visits, etc… all privileges are gone… until the whole jail is searched. It used to be annoying early on, but after so long with the same routines, it makes no difference, just a temporary inconvenience. Thing’s haven’t been working out too well for me lately…the inoperable procedures strike again… I’m waiting to get some meds from the nurse for the past week, because they don’t know how to respond to a mistake from their side, and the procedures are too fool-proof apparently, of coarse no one listens to the guy in orange because…he’s the guy in orange. Maintenance, we’d be lucky to get a hold of them if something is urgent, and if its something that only effects the guy in orange…good luck getting anything… so, here I am getting the run-around as usual, waiting for a response from them about my issues… 3 days and counting… lock-down doesn’t help…by the time the lock-down is done it will be the weekend and maintenance doesn’t work weekends. This is all just too perfect.

To add insult to injury…I got a slab of ‘humus’ on pita bread for lunch. Now I understand they’re trying to accommodate taste buds with a touch of middle-eastern flavour, but…humus, like salad, isn’t a meal, it’s the guarantee of a meal to follow… its when you go to a restaurant, they bring the salad, and you know the meal is soon to follow…similarly…who dips bread in humus and calls it lunch? Anyways… I was hoping for a nice supper, instead, it was the worst of the worst! I got ‘chicken pot pie’. This simply cant be happening! The last time I actually opened the meal was in Ramadan out of sheer desperation. To give you an idea, basically, its like cubes of chicken in ‘stuff’, I don’t know how to describe it besides that. Its some white mushy ‘stuff’, mixed in it is some green peas and topped with a thin layer of croissant like bread, which is completely soggy by the time we receive it, due to the whole pre-cook, wait for a couple of months while it stays frozen in the kitchen, then re-heat, and serve… desperate times, desperate measures? Uhhhm, no…this just aint goin down…plus, the ‘chicken’ is dark grey colour… I thought chicken was supposed to be white… *shriek*!

To clarify the matter, this isn’t the kitchen’s fault, the blame is squarely on ISNA. They label these pre-packaged meals as ‘halal’, missing one essential point; ‘halal’ is supposed to be edible! There’s nothing edible about this. ALLAH azza wa jall says ‘halalan tayyiban’, I guess they just disregard the tayyiban part. With all seriousness, the manners of slaughtering an animal includes minimizing the suffering as much as possible, to the extent that they aren’t supposed to see the knife before being slaughtered. These chickens are dark-grey in colour. They’ve clearly been traumatized. So if anyone from ISNA reads this, Please brothers, try tasting the meal your about to approve as ‘halal’ for a change, and see if you feel any guilt in your heart, knowing hundreds if not thousands of Muslim prisoners are about to receive them.

The Next Day…
Nothing like a 6:30am search to start off your day. The C Os were cool this time, so it wasn’t like a hurricane had just run over my cell… sometimes when you come back, its like, ‘did I just leave this place??!’, but it was good this time, al-hamdulillah. In fact, after the 3min familiarities, I just came back, spread my sheet back on my bed, and knocked out.

Loooooonngggg day…. Loooooonnngggg day! I hate cloudy days, even though I’m not out there to even feel the weather, it still effects me in here. I can see the top of the window across the hall from my door, and it looks like dark clouds have gathered. I hate that gloomy feeling. That’s the kinda day its turning out to be. Well, tomorrow’s another day. The only thing one can do to snap out of these kinda gloomy days is open up the tafseer and contemplate, its never failed me.
أَلاَ بِذِكْرِ اللَّهِ تَطْمَئِنُّ الْقُلُوبُ
“Verily, in the remembrance of ALLAH do hearts find rest”. (Ar-Ra’d: 28)

BRAVE HEART!

2009-04-03T17:53:00.000-04:00

Day 1023

Its around 10ish, dead quiet on our range, I think everyone’s knocked out. I was lost in some thoughts and then it hit me! They’re playing Brave Heart on the range beside us! ARGH! That’s just plain cruel! I could hear the theme song a bit. Brave Heart is one my all time favourite movies. A true story… Mel Gibson took his act to another level on that one. Now what would be worst is if tomorrow night they play Troy, my other favourite all time movie. I remember when it came out, it was my post deenin’ days, so I didn’t wanna go to the theatres and watch it, though I’d read the book twice cover to cover in grade 10 for our Greek mythology unit. I got the movie, and watched again and again so many times. For a person who loved the whole Greek mythology as much as I did, the movie was flawless. Achilles was always my favourite hero. Brad Pitt killed it on that one… my favourite quotes: ‘I would never fight him…’, ‘that’s why no one will ever remember your name’. That and at the end when the guy goes ‘if they ever tell my story, tell them I walked amongst giants…’

Ok, enough movie talk… as I said, our range is dead silent, everyone’s knocked out (I think), and I’m getting pretty sick of this spot on the roof, I’ll have to find another favourite spot to stare at.

Till I vent again…Ma’salaaama…

-- FREEEDOMMM!!! --

GLOOOOM!

2009-04-03T17:50:00.000-04:00

DAY 1019

Asalam alaikum wa rahmatullah…
In the Name of Allâh, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful
Seems like such a long day today… nothing went wrong, the C Os are descent, the food is edible, things are flowing like they should be…yet, there’s this big dark cloud over the range, and everything’s just so gloomy. Its Tuesday, I’m supposed to work out today. Got up at almost 7 for fajr, barely made it, stayed up for a bit, dozed off again as I was waiting for yard to be offered, I could see that the skies are clear, and the paper said today would be good weather, so I was really hoping to get some yard time, run some laps, do some pull ups, etc… never happened. Was woken up around 8:30, a lot of noise and banging for some reason. Stayed up till breakfast, not a bad breakfast, waffles and corn flakes. One of the new guys on the range is at court today, so I grabbed his waffles and cereal (pays to be cell 1, got dibbs on everything!), another brother grabbed the juice and the other the milk.

Don’t know why, but I just really felt tired after breakfast, even after that bitter coffee, so I knocked out again… only to be woken up by the sound of maintenance banging some stuff on the range, I tried to ignore it, but it wasn’t gonna happen… so I stayed up, waited for my turn to shower, and realized I felt more sleepy after the shower than before. Usually on work-out days, I gotta start by 11 o clock, today, it was already 12 and there was absolutely no desire to even do one push-up.

Lunch came, good lunch, fries with grilled cheese, and once again, I grabbed the extra meal, well, part of it, I felt guilty for getting the best part at breakfast, so I shared it with Ali this time. Normally, one decent meal a day is a good day, today we got two, so I should be killing it on the work outs… but…absolutely no desire, no motivation. The newspaper was useless, boring stories, none about us thankfully! I guess I’ll just read all day… though reading about torture in Syrian jails is nothing to cheer you up, sometimes, it does provide motivation to keep going and keep fighting, even when there seems absolutely no point in doing so.

Supper time…

Its 4:15, time for supper… on the menu for tonight, ‘sheppard’s pie’. I’ve never had sheppard’s pie before coming to jail, and appearantly the real thing isn’t so bad, after my inquiries, unfortunately, this isn’t the real thing. Its basically a hard crust like a pie, about the size of a cup cake,, filled with some mushy stuff which I have absolutely no clue what it is, and in it is a lot of green peas. On the side there’s some corn, not on the cob of coarse, its that frozen stuff you get from the freezer section. That’s dinner… coming from a background of Qabuli palau and being married into biryani, this is just plain depressing! I’m obviously going to be skipping over this dinner, except the corn of coarse… can you say bon a petite J.

Later that night…

You know when you start missing random people from the past…I miss a lot of people, from outside, those special people that come into your life so fast, and then leave so fast…the special memories, if even for a day… I guess you find sorrow in their departing, yet joy in the memories that remain forever engrained in your mind.

May ALLAH ease their difficulties, put light in their tasks, make firm their hearts upon the truth, make them steadfast, give them strength in their weakness, light in their darkness, shade in the heat, coolness in their hearts, and delight in their eyes.
May ALLAH re-unite us soon, a good re-union, and another re-union in the eternal home, full of comfort and bliss. Ameen ya Rabb!

Day’s done, night’s in, light’s fixed, and everyone’s knocked out…

Log it in…the sun has set on another day in paradise…

Adios…

LIGHTS OUT – 2

2009-04-03T17:49:00.000-04:00

Day 1018

Okay, so the saying ‘careful what you wish for’ holds true once again. I thought this would be the best couple nights’ sleep I’ve had in…a very long time… turns out, the flashlights on the face every 20mins is a real pain in the rear.

Its 1:30 am and I cant fall asleep. Its plain and simply annoying. Imagine every 20mins some guy has the lights on your face to see if your alive. I DIDN’T KILL MYSELF THE FIRST THOUSAND NIGHTS, WHY WOULD I WANNA TRY TO NOW!

‘Procedures…’

Well, that’s jail…as the saying goes, it doesn’t have to make sense, as long as you can do it. In the mean time, I’l just lay down, waiting for the next series of beeps, and hope the CO sees my hands waving in the air before he puts the flashlight on my face again…